We moved here soon after being married so that my husband can attend college for engineering. I just enjoyed the new area, enjoyed going on an adventure. But, as I was soon to realize, someone has to be bringing in the money, and with my husband's tough school schedule, it would not be him.
I grew up in a large family being homeschooled. I dreamed daily of marrying young and becoming a stay at home mother who was always barefoot and baking bread with a baby in her tummy and a child playing at her feet. I was twenty when God brought the man I was to marry into my life, and two years later we were married. I wear shoes, I do not bake, and there is no site of children in the next few years.
I soon realized that sometimes you have to put your dreams in Gods hands (And sometimes those dreams change anyways-I no longer dream of baking or being barefoot hehe) and really trust Him to write out your days. There is always a gift for you in each day.
Back to yesterday.
I woke up, realizing this was not another morning where I could wake up and snuggle up to my husband, then fall back asleep and wait for him to come home from his classes.
Today, I was going back to work.
Back to a profession I never thought I would go back to. I am a hard worker, and I have a good attitude, but like I said, my dream was to be a stay at home mommy, not a home health aide/CNA working to support my husband and myself. I know that on the day of his graduation I will be so proud of him and us, and I won't regret this at all. He is so the engineering type, he is smart and he gets this stuff. It also is great provision, and I know soon enough I will be cared for financially.
But when I am waking up with no little baby to hold, not in a home but an apartment building, getting ready to go back to a work I was not very excited about, these things were not going through my brain. All I knew was that I had horrible cramps, and the medication I took to help them puffed out my tummy so far it looked like I WAS 5 months pregnant. I put on my scrubs, and ate a good breakfast, and just prayed "God, I can't even think about doing this day after day, so I am just going to ask you, give me strength for today! Hold me together! Give me physical strength!" And went on my way. First hour in to work, I was asking myself "Why am I here?" I held my aching stomach all day, trying to keep my nausea from the meds at bay. In the car, I prayed my prayer of sustainment again, crying out, and God gave me something. As I said 'Amen', I passed the most beautiful view, a high hill full of bright, crisp fall colors, and a gorgeous house with a long driveway up to it. The view was breath taking. I felt so refreshed. I just knew God saw me, and He knew that I was hormonal, and not feeling physically well, and confused about why I was doing what I was. Home health care/nursing homes are demanding jobs. Physically and emotionally. I always feel like either work is pulling me away from my life, or my life is interfering with my work. I just pray for balance.
God is so faithful. I was reminded of the story in the Bible how the Israelite's were complaining to God about the food they were eating, and God said to them that every day He would rain down mana for them, and they were to go out and collect only what they needed for that one day. Even if there was extra out there, they were not to take extra. They had to trust God, that each day He would provide. He would not forget to fulfill their needs, He would not neglect them, He would not withhold from them what they needed.
Each day, I will pray for my 'mana', and it will be supplied. It was yesterday, it was today. It will be tomorrow. But I don't need to know about tomorrow, or the next few years and how I am going to make it through those days. I just need to trust my Father and His love and provision for me. Like the Laminine, shaped like a cross, in my body that is holding my insides together, Jesus will hold me together. Every day. Even when I doubt. Even when I have a bad attitude. HE is faithful!!
